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Ready, Aim & Fire

Ready, Aim & Fire

My Dirty Little Secret in Love

I have a dirty little secret in Love.

It’d be easy to assume that because I’m a sex and intimacy expert I have a lot of sex and love. That’s not always the case. I tend to have more blind spots than hot spots. And, my hot spots tend to be painfully hot.

It’s hard to admit my life isn’t perfect in love when you do this for a living. But it just isn’t — because I’m no different than you! It’s that old adage of the mechanic who fixes everyone else’s car and yet never works on his own. Only in my case, I do work on my engine and its not always pretty. But it’s exactly how I learn how to handle the heartbreaks for others.

One thing you learn in the helping profession- if you’re authentic is that you can’t preach anything you don’t practice. You can and people do, but there’s no integrity and without integrity nothing works. I definitely don’t operate well without integrity!

I’ve discovered that how I go about LOVE relationships and sometimes even opposite sex friendships, has no integrity. It’s one of those lessons that stings and every time I think of it I say to myself, “What was I thinking?”

So here’s my dirty little secret… I suck at Love when it comes to me.

I coach women that feminine love is about surrender, an evolved perspective by author David Dieda. Essentially it’s about surrendering to the integrity and love men provide ~ action, protection, providing and care. When this surrender occurs women can give men love, honor, respect, and support. Then both people experience a mutual, enlightened love. (In the world of Chris Rock this looks like women feeding men, sexing them, letting them sleep and being silent! A future blog.)

In reality, it’s about exploring Love and letting it “unfold” or reveal itself and then surrendering into what it makes available between two people. It’s a healthy, flowing and natural way to give Love, BE Love and make Love. Said in simpler terms it’s the stages of attraction, seduction, courting, friendship, love, then intimacy and sex versus jumping right into the deep end.

My integrity is out because while I say we should surrender as women, this is the total opposite of everything I DO! What I do is more like READY, AIM & FIRE!

I promise you, READY-AIM & FIRE has nothing remotely in common withsurrender. It’s all about conquering in my world! It’s about the hunt, the kill and the conquest! Add competitive to that and it’s a formula for the ultimate win. All of which is beyond being a female oxymoron, it becomes a real problem — my problem to be exact.

The reality is I think I’m starting in the shallow end and going through the stages, but sometimes I don’t even jump in the deep end first. Behaviorally I set myself up to defend, put on all my armor and get out my weapon of choice — intellect, charm, sex, etc. All that is fueled from past feelings of hurt and fear, which by the way is an easy, cheap and endless resource. Then I act accordingly — I hunt for my “prey”. I take AIM, shoot and FIRE to conquer or kill, not to keep. There is a fine distinction in the concept of “keeping”.

You see hunting and the “conquest” is a masculine trait and in heterosexual relationships that can become a real issue. When you put two people in the ring who are seeking a conquest (man or woman) the game is ON! Sometimes it’s fun; sometimes it’s ugly and other times someone dies. Which might explain why I’m 45 not married, no children, pets, plants or boyfriends. And exactly what it looks like to win at all costs.

Somehow when it came to ME, I missed that whole concept of letting love unfold. As an avid astrology hobbyist, I’d like to blame it on my Aries ascendant, the warrior of battle — urgent and forceful. Right along with my extreme Gemini nature the analytical thinker — super quick and fast! How can anyone with that chart energy let anything unfold? It’s nearly impossible!It’s almost like asking a fish to survive on land.

Speaking of fish, it’s no coincidence that this lesson has come the hardest from Pisces and Cancer men. Two water signs so adept at emerging themselves in vulnerable love and emotions that I honestly think they are aliens. As much as I’m intrigued, I still can’t fathom how they are so comfortable with heart space, vulnerability, intuition and going to the oceanic depths of love. I’m like a steel-armored butterfly sinking to the bottom of their ocean with no air or shield to defend myself! They have an intuitive, all-knowing way of reading my heart and soul that flusters me and renders me speechless — a rarity for a Gemini. It’s spooky.

Three men who are some version of Cancer-Pisces aliens have broken my heart over the years. Coincidently, each one said said the same thing to me (usually more than once) — “You have to let things unfold.” My favorite was said in a dreamy accent, “Love is like a flower and you have to let it unfold. You can’t force the flower to bloom.

I had the opportunity to learn this lesson at 25 but Mr. Cancer’s friendship, companionship and blooming love didn’t beat out my desire to conquer and control. Instead, I killed him off permanently right along with years of friendship. I spent the next 20 years in that conquering stance of READY, AIM & FIRE — at a high personal cost.

A few years ago this showed up again in my Pisces-Gemini with the dreamy accent! My own romance novel; full of destiny, desire, extreme passion and masculine-feminine conflict that would fly books off the shelf! I’ll never forget his words and as a result, I radically altered what negatively impacted my feminine nature.

I thought I was home free! I didn’t realize it was still a blind spot until recently, when I heard those fatal words again — “You just never let anything unfold naturally.” I thought I conquered this — no pun intended! However, being the King of Pisces, the masculine sexy men are made of and a long time friend, this really had me look. He’s right and it’s not just because I have this insane crush on him, it’s everywhere in my life. I don’t savor, Idevour.

The key was seeing that what I said, felt and did were not aligned or not in integrity. Never mind how it killed off seedlings of Love, it killed off people and opportunity for rich, rewarding friendships. It was not an easy conversation to have with King Pisces himself, or my “BFF-therapist” who never minces words or me for that matter. The important thing is I got to the source.

I realized that I was in READY, AIM & FIRE mode all the time, usually out of defense, habit or fear. Fear of letting myself fall, armor free into the oceanic depths of love and receiving — a beautiful serene place to explore, unfold and surrender! This is true for friendship, love and LIFE! At 45, I finally realize there isn’t anything to be afraid of!

While I’ve killed off two of the three aliens, the third one is hanging by a thread of friendship that I’m committed to saving. Thank God for the huge hearts and tenacity of those sea creatures and the King of all fish, they have all given me wings to fly in Love!

Learn more Sextacular® You! tips on how to be your sexiest self, “Make Love to life” and reinvent your sex life with BOLD, romantic fun from Dr. Lori C. Ebert, Health Educator, Intimacy Expert, Author & Speaker or

20 Easy Ways to be a Sextacular Lover

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